Steve is, singularly, the oddest person I have ever met personally.  Sure, there are fictional characters who are odd and quirky beyond belief.  But Steve is a living, breathing person, who, if I hadn’t met, I would not believe.

I remember well the interview before Steve was hired.  One of the questions that we asked of each applicant was, “If you could be any animal, what animal would you be and why?”  Not that we gave a rat’s-ass about what animal they would be.  It was to see if they could think on the spot and had a sense of humor.  When Steve was asked what animal he would be, he aswered, “Eagle”.  Sensible enough. But then he spread his imaginary wings and appeared to soar for a brief moment as if lost in the thought of soaring above the conference room.  I immediately thought to myself, “FREAK!” Art, a completely unflappable therapist who spoke his mind without changing expressions, leaned over to me and said, “FREAK!”

Despite the fact that everyone present gave the thumbs down to the hiring of Steve, he was hired nevertheless.  In terms of appearance, Steve resembled the Lucky Charms Leprechaun

"They're Magically Delicious!"

except creepy and with bad teeth.  Steve could wear boys’ clothing and despite what temperature it was outside he was dressed for winter. He arrived for his first day of work in August wearing a heavy tweed jacket and riding on a motorcycle.  It went downhill from there.

Steve had come to our mental health center from a mental health center in Salt Lake City. He had stated in the interview that he and his family needed to be closer to his wife’s parents as the mother-in-law was dying of cancer. I should have sensed desperation to escape some situation.

Steve has hired a child therapist.  He had stated in the interview that he was “really into” play therapy.  Steve was given a key to the office building and little did we know that it would become his new home.  On the weekend after his arrival, Steve came in and decorated his office.  Word quickly spread throughout the organization about the new decor.  The shelves were lined with thousands of action figures perfectly aligned in neat rows.  On the walls were animal pelts of various sorts and medieval swords, axes, and maces.  There was also an assortment of dark, omenous posters depicting fantasy of the Dungeons and Dragons type.

Steve was going to be working with disturbed children who are going to have nightmares due to the decor, or were fully capable of using the swords to decapitate Steve.  Either way, it was a sight to behold.  We would take turns gaping in awe every time Steve left the office.

Steve began to take on magical qualities.  He, obviously, was the fodder of office gossip.  He was also so short that he could walk behind the row of mailboxes undetected that lead to the place in the front office where co-workers talked about one another.  Every time he would be the topic of conversation ( which was frequent) he would magically appear from the row of mailboxes.  One of the topics that was much discussed was Steve’s smell.  He had a definite odor that we could never quite define.  It was best described as Flintstone Vitamins that were long out of date, although overpowering.  The few men in the office were familar with the awful odor that Steve left behind in the mens room.  He would often not flush the toilet , or not flush it well enough, and the aftermath of what was

Please flush the toilet!

left behind appeared to be wood chips.

Steve made it known that he was diabetic. No one actually ever saw Steve eat.  Sure, we would see him making his Postum. (Steve was Mormon.)  In fact, Steve was always making Postum.  Steve would go out to his truck to eat his lunch.  Since this was a small town in Indiana where we had no Mormons, we hypothesized that all Mormons smelled this way and had these quirky behaviors.

One morning when I drive in to the office parking lot, I saw the glimmer of a bag of Skittles coming from Steve’s truck.  I pretended to be sorting through various things in my car so as to observe Steve’s behaviors.  The bag of Skittles was lifted towards his mouth, but just as the bag reached its apex he paused as if he sensed that someone was watching him eat. The bag was quickly lowered. Damn!  That would have been a real treasure to share with my officemates.  I had seen him eat!

At the time of Steve’s arrival, my wife and I had just had twins.  I worked an adjusted schedule so that I could be home with the little babies three days during the week.  I worked on Saturdays and enjoyed that I was was the only person working in the office.  Except Steve.  Steve was always at the office when I arrived on Saturday morning.  I began to suspect that Steve actually lived in the office.  One Saturday morning I arrived at the office to find that Steve’s truck was not there.  I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally!

I let myself into the employee door at the far end of the building.

Go Green Bay!

I walked to my office and turned on my computer to let it boot up.  I walked down to the front office to check my mailbox. Standing there in the front office was Steve: holding a folded-up newspaper, a cup of coffee and wearing boys’ Green Bay Packers footie pajamas.

TO BE CONTINUED…..

I  am finally feeling like I am in a groove as far as training goes.

3-28-09 Again, I needed to amend plans due to child-care needs.  I ended up rowing for 50 minutes and then doing another core-strengthening yoga DVD.  I am finding the yoga helpful in relieving some lower back and buttock kinks.

Ironman Wisconsin 2007

3-29-09 Finally, I am able to leave the house.  Ended up running 9.5 miles on a mixed terrain.  Weather was cold, windy, and miserable.  I focused on technique to get my mind off the crappy weather.

3-30-09 I am trying a new strategy before I go to the two-a-days:  I’m running the day after my long run (Sunday) in order to get used to the stress of long miles and work through the soreness. This morning was cold, although the skies were clear and the stars were bright.  Since I leave the house at 5:15 a.m., I’m not sure that I will see the sun at this hour anytime soon.  Ran 5.5 miles.  Felt really good!!

Hi.  My name is Dan, and I’m a sugar addict. (Hello, Dan!)  Six weeks ago I was diagnosed with type II diabetes.  It came as a surprise, since I’m not obese and I am very active.

As I look back on my habit out of the cloud of the glucose roller-coaster, I can see that I really was addicted to sugar.  I have eaten half a birthday cake in one sitting.  When I heard that Snappy Tomato was going to just throw away the dessert pizza on the buffet, I ended up eating the whole thing. I have devoured a five-pound bag of M&Ms in a day. I would never know when to quit.

Yum, Yum!! Eat them all myself.

Sugar was my way of dealing with stress. Our office always has an assortment of candies and cookies for the taking.  When a tough situation presented itself, the sugar rush was what I needed to get me through.

Of course, I didn’t make any errors of judgment when under the influence of Oreos, but many of the addictive behaviors that one would see in alcoholics can be seen in sugar addicts.  Plus, I was slowly killing myself.

I have six weeks now of being sugar-free.  I had several days of headaches at first. I have to think ahead.  My worst nightmare was my nephew’s birthday party where there was literally nothing I could eat or drink.   I had to just sit there and watch everyone enjoying their plate of goodies.  Now, I bring along something I can enjoy.

My main objective is to deal with the diabetes through diet and exercise and not have to take medication for it.  In my view, it was brought about by lifestyle and it will be dealt with by lifestyle changes.

On a positive note: The Cheesecake Factory makes one hell of a sugar-free cheesecake!!!

Ironman Swim Start

March 27, 2009 I work a four day week, so I’m off on Fridays.  I had planned on getting out on the bike for a couple hour ride.  However, my daughter had strep throat and my wife was gone. Change of plans.

This got me thinking about my two previous Ironman Triathlons and how entirely different they were.

When I did Ironman Florida in 2005, I had  no template to go by.  I had no one to consult.  The only person in our community who had done an Ironman was Charlie Fouts.  Charlie is in his 70’s (and a hero in his own right).  But Charlie is retired and his children are grown and out of the house.

I work full-time, I have small children, and I am active in the community.  The mistakes I made training for Ironman Florida had nothing to do with the actual training: I was more than prepared.   The mistakes had to do with the balancing act that is necessary to keep things in perspective.  In 2005 I would have found a sitter for my daughter and gone on the scheduled ride.  Damn the consequences!

What I learned in 2005 is that you are not just bringing yourself across the finish line, you are bringing a team across. As the leader of the team, you have to alter plans and keep training balanced  with family, friends, work, community. In doing that you garner much more support and cooperation from those you lead.

In 2007 at Ironman Wisconsin, my time (14:30) was a bit disappointing.  But, I had greater support and actually had a better time during the race because I didn’t have any guilty feeling about being neglectful.

With all that said: I stayed home and cared for my daughter and ended up riding on the trainer indoors (55 minutes) and doing a really cool Core Strengthening Yoga DVD.  Forget what you think about yoga.  This is REALLY difficult.  I am sore as hell today.

Ironman Dan Thomas Highway

March 25-  I had planned on getting up and riding before work.  I even had my bike all ready to go.  Got up and the winds were howling and the rain was pouring.  Rowed for 50 minutes instead.

March 26-  Whoohoo!!!  I managed to get up twice in one week and make it to the pool by 4:45 a.m. Swam for 45 minutes and then went into the deepend and did water running for 15 minutes.  No sign of the T-meister.  Actually Tuesdays and Thursdays are sparse.  Four people on Tuesday and six on Thursday.

For 14 years I worked for a community mental health center in southern Indiana.  I started working with adults with mental illness and then later worked with children and families.  I still have very fond memories of the many individuals that I helped through challenges.  Many of my former co-workers are incredible people and we remain good friends.

In this regular feature of the “Theatre of the Absurd” Blog, I will chronicle some of the many adventures and misadventures of working for this organization.  By CRAZY I am not referring to any of the people served by the mental health center, but rather the management

Random executives who are only representative of crazy mental health management.

and many of the staff.  I don’t know what attracts crazy people to work in the field of mental health, but a large percentage are just f*ckin’ nuts!!

Women with borderline personality disorder are particularly prone to working in the mental health field.  My first encounter with this phenomenon came early in my career.  “Jennifer” was the head of one of the group homes for adults with mental illness.  She was a heavy-set woman with pastey skin.  For reasons unknown to myself, I was considered a “hottie” by the women with whom I worked.

Jennifer was particularly attracted to me and had told people behind my back that we were “an item”.  She would find ways of getting me alone and asking questions that I feigned to not know answers for. While she was sweet as pie to me, I knew that she was a royal bitch to anyone who crossed her path.  She had a particular knack for avoiding work but arriving at just the right moment to take credit for the efforts of others.

At the same time there was a young girl fresh out of college named Monica who worked at the center.  Because she was from Chicago, she had an attitude that she knew what was best for us small-town hicks.  Like many of her age and experience, she masked her insecurities and lack of knowledge with a know-it-all attitude.  She was not unattractive, but a bit too Reubenesque for my own particular tastes.

After a large All-Staff event, Monica and I went out with a group of people for “a few beers.” At our own particular office Monica let it be known that she and I “went out”, leaving off the part about others in attendance, knowing this would really chap Jennifer’s hide.  Fanning the flames and stirring the pot.

In Seymour there used to be a great bakery called Culp’s.  They made the best iced shortbread cookies imaginable.  The cookies were always made in some seasonable shape: Santas, shamrocks, pumpkins, hearts.  Since it was approaching Easter, the cookies at this time were bunnies.

Bunny Cookie

Shortly after the alleged “date” it was a slow Friday afternoon and I went to Culp’s to get some bunny cookies for the office.  As I left the office it was calm and almost dreamy.

Within ten minutes I returned to the office from my errand.  Instead of the calm, dreamy atmosphere, I sensed that something cataclysmic had happened in my absence. The front office staff was noticeably absent. I went downstairs to the office that I shared with Monica and Jennifer.  The office door was closed; which was unusual.  I opened the door to find the office in complete shambles.  Monica’s eyes were mascara-stained and red from crying and she had long claw-marks down her arms. She was being consoled by the front-office ladies.

All I could think to say was, “Bunny cookie, anyone?”

After I had left on my cookie-seeking run, all hell had broken loose.  Jennifer had confronted Monica about our supposed date and a fight had broken out.  Hair was pulled and eyes were scratched. Jennifer had apparently told Monica that she and I were breeding like dogs and Monica had responded with even more lurid details of reckless abandon.  The front office ladies had rushed downstairs to both break up the melee and get all the scoop for the interoffice grapevine.  Jennifer had ran out of the office screaming threats of vengence and damnation.

All I had wanted was to eat a bunny cookie in peace and quiet.  Damn my hottie-ness!!

Baby steps.  I had told TT yesterday  that if I didn’t get to the pool this morning I was a p*ssy.  For accountability he stated that he would be there as well and was a p*ssy if he didn’t show.

I have NOT been to the pool in 2009.  I get up early to run, bike, row, etc.  Just can’t seem to get up and make it to the pool.

I set the alarm for 4 a.m. and went downstairs to shut off the second alarm.  I told myself as soon as I shut off the second alarm I was going back to bed.  As soon as I shut off the alarm I said that I would drink some coffee, but I wasn’t swimming.  After I had coffee I said that I would get dressed to swim, but I would only drive to the pool and make an appearance, but wouldn’t stay long.  Long story short: I swam for an hour and felt a sense of achievement.  Oh,  TT didn’t make it!!

3-23-09 Ran 5.5 miles in the morning.

I read a post on a good friend’s blog (www.simplybrent.com) about the value to investing in friendships and the invaluable dividends that this pays in our lives.

I wanted to acknowledge this same friend for being such a great friend and an amazing human in general.

Quintessential Brent

This picture speaks  volumes if you know Brent.  He is just himself.  Never any false pretense.  Never any bullshit.  He is just Brent.

I first met Brent on Dec. 19, 2003.  I know the date because it was at an interview for a job where we ended up working together.  It ended up being a horrible place to work, but it was his friendship that made the job worthwhile.  Plus, we work together once again, back in the Man Cave.

Brent is one of the funniest people on Planet Earth.  I don’t say that out of any kind of hyperbole.  He is just an amazingly funny person.   He has a natural appreciation for the value of humor and the important role that it plays in keeping us sane in an insane world.

Anyway, a big Shout-Out to a great human and a great friend!!  Truly appreciate ya’!!

(My other friends…do NOT get your panties in a wad!  I will feature you in good time. )

Ironman 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, 26.2 mile run

March 19, 2009. Rode again since I was off work and had the time. 23.4 miles on a fairly hilly route in Greater Cortland Area.

March 20, 2009. My birthday so I took the day off.

March 21, 2009.  50 minute run at tempo pace.  I was out of town so I had to rely on time for the run.

March 22, 2009.  50 minute ride on indoor trainer and then StrEndurance workout D.   Workout time total: 86 minutes.

Ubuntu Linux: Linux for Human Beings

One of my regular features in this blog is an item called “America Unchained” where I feature a small, independent business in the hopes that we get back to the idea of locally-owned, family businesses that focus on customer service and pride in product.

So why am I featuring an Isle of Man-based Linux operating system?

In one word: Independence!!  Microsoft Windows violates both the word and spirit of American and Global Anti-Trust laws.  Without competition in the marketplace they have been able to dominate computer software, hardware, and culture and, thus, limit  free expression.  As we have seen in GM, AIG, Fannie Mae, Citicorp: when businesses become “too big to fail” the results do not benefit anyone.

They went one step beyond in their creation of Windows Vista.  With DRM (Digital Rights Management) Vista can actually shut down your computer remotely.  It also is a resource hog that requires an amazing amount of hardrive space and RAM memory forcing users to upgrade or buy new computers.

I started researching other options about 18 months ago and decided that Ubuntu Linux was exactly what I needed.  Have been a happy Ubuntu Linux user ever since.  In fact, every blog entry is composed using Ubuntu.  Some advantages:

*  While Windows-Users may worry endlessly about viruses, worms, and variants. Viruses don’t effect Linux systems, as the system kernel is completely different .

*  Free!  Ubuntu (and all Linux operating systems) are free.  Free as in cost, and free as in open-source.  The source codes of the programs are open so that others can build upon the work already accomplised.

* FAST!!!  Ubuntu uses considerably less system resources to run applications.  Also, there is not a lot of grabage running in the background as in Windows.

* Easy to use.  The biggest complaint I hear is that Linux is for computer geeks and is extremely hard to use.  My kids are in Second Grade and are able to navigate around Ubuntu well enough.  My in-laws have never turned on a computer in their lives until they got a third-hand laptop that runs Ubuntu and they have quickly latched on.

* Tons and tons of free software as well.

*  Easy to hack into Windows systems or create a SSHunnel where you can remotely operate your home computer via another computer securely.

*  Great support. Ubuntu Forum offers great support for newbies and seasoned pros alike.

Check it out at www.ubuntu.com